Started a new job this week, and I love getting to know new people, all the 'classic' new job questions and the process adjusting to new 'rules of small talk' between workmates. I liked it so much, I felt inspired!
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New Employee Questionnaire
Welcome to the company. Here’s a personal message from your new boss:
“Glad to have you on board. Your first week can be full of questions that get in the way of you working. To prevent “small talk” getting in the way of REAL WORK please fill out this questionnaire. Copies of your team’s answers can be seen upon request.”
- Please state (tick) if you enjoy the following to avoid any awkward “foot in mouth” moments.
- Practical jokes (Both at your expense at others’)
- Rude Jokes (naughty words or sex related)
- Politically incorrect jokes. (However, your new workmates would like to respectively confirm that they ARE NOT racists or bigots.)
- Please list a few items of interest for which inter-desk small talk can be cantered around. For example: Action movies, Kitchen Appliances, Cakes.
- Likewise, please list a few items for which you have no knowledge or interest as to prevent you seeming rude when inter-desk “chat” is instigated by one of your new colleagues. For example “Mr.T”
- If your birthday is in the next 4 weeks, please give a few gift ideas. If it is further in the future, be sure to provide us with enough character information to enable anything but M & S vouchers (everyone loves a Marks & Sparks’ Danish, eh?)
>While the following information may seem confidential or “private”, this is merely the kind of information that workmates would previously have found out through months of “small talk” and drunken confessions. (socialising is acceptable outside of work hours, but please be sure to fill in the Morning After Questionnaire(QTR6) to prevent any anecdotal small talk during work hours) Please aid the transition process by disclosing this information now. Or THEY WILL FIND OUT ANYWAY. People just find out these kind of things. It just happens.
- Please tell us of any allergies or illnesses. Please state your hometown and political, sexual and racial persuasion. Please tell us the name of your car, your middle name, your partner. Please disclose any previous humorous haircuts you may have sported. Please tell everyone your vital stats, any tattoos.
- please list any DVD’s you would be willing to lend to anyone, likewise please state your position on workmates borrowing your stationary.
Jest. No offence to or relation with either my current or any previous employers/colleagues.
1 comment:
I was researching various types of employee questionnaires and came across this...simply fun.
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